When I'm a Billionaire! (oh oh, oh oh...)

I have no idea whatsoever why I started my post with that title.

I don't even know why I'm writing a post.

Seriously, it's 9.41pm and I should be going to bed. Welcome to Procrastination City, contained in the entirety of my bedroom and ruled by a dictatorship of iron that consists solely of me, with a population of one human, three spiders that I can't find but I know exist due to cobwebs, and multiple invisible bacteria. I rule them with an iron fist.

That's not my point today. Today is List Day, because I feel like it and I need to not be bored of else I may not make it to next year. NCEA is the greatest serial killer, trust me.

The List I give you today is one of great importance. It will change you life forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen and Other, I present the List:

LIST OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT GO TO MARS.


6. Wiz Khalifa. I don't know why, I just don't think he should.

5. Kristen Stewart. Mar's first impression of humans should not be that we have no expressions.

4. Russell Brand. He'll probably try shagging a red rock or something equally ridiculous.

3. Lorde. If she "cuts her teeth on wedding rings" (direct quote from Royals), good god knows what she's going to do to herself outside of a padded cell.

2. Vladimir Putin. He'll lay a Russian flag and when the American spacecraft following him gets shot down he'll blame Ukraine.

1. Larry King. See below.

(I seriously can't believe I made that list, my mind must be on another planet.)


(PUN!!!!!)

Enhanced boredom

Y'know how everyone looks forward to the holidays? Yay, end of school, thank god. Yep, and now I'm bored shitless.

I mean there is literally nothing to do. Friends are busy, its pissing down outside and I've got to babysit the bros. If I wasn't being paid I assure you they would no longer be with us.

And so I thought well, I may as well get a movie. And so I of course paid for one, as every 15 year old on the planet does, on the internet, and found the file I received from the PAID website (oh yes I pay for all of my movies) was password locked. Although I had of course PAID it was a website with no customer support, shall we say?

So to the next dilemma, what's the password? It wasn't online, and a few guesses with the title of the movie and the actor names, director names etc didn't return a favour.

And so I HACKED!!! *quiet gleeful giggle*

Well...sort of. I've read loads of books. Too many books. Watched too many movies. And they all use a super-secret, generally colour-coded blue program to guess hundreds of passwords. Millions. They just keep guessing every possible password until they're in.

And so I thought, naive old me, well this can't be hard. I downloaded a program called RAR Password Unlocker. There were three options; "Dictionary Attack" where you go through the dictionary trying actual words, "Mask Attack" where it guesses loads of options but with your input, like if you know how long it is or whatever. Then there's "Brute Force Attack", which naturally is the only cool-sounding option which I immediately took. Of course I probably should have done a dictionary attack but WHO CARES?

Ha, I thought. This will fix the liars, i thought. With my powerful hacking tool I will be MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

An hour later, 1 million attempts, and it still read 0.0000% complete.

Another hour, 2.5 million attempts, 0.0000% complete.

This is my screenshot of the current situation.

That's right. 5.5 million attempts, we're still guessing 4 digit codes, and it's elapsed nearly 6 hours. And it's STILL goddamn 0.0000%. I'm waiting for 0.0001% so I'll know exactly when the thing will finally stop.

So yeah, hacking. Unless you've got a supercomputer handy, which my $999 HP isn't, then getting a password could take a while. Like, a lifetime. 

So I've gone from boredom to enhanced boredom, hence the title. At the moment I'm looking up and seeing the guesses password being "f@b}"

Seriously. Whose password is f@b}? It's elapsed 5 hours 52 minutes and at 0.000%.

Also by the way if anyone has a decent guess please comment, I'm getting really, really bored of doing bugger all. The rain doesn't want to stop and my brothers don't want to behave. Someone doesn't want their password guessed and I don't want people not wanting stuff because it gets on my nerves.

Now I'm gonna go re-watch Sherlock. Because the BBC solely exists to solve the global boredom crisis, i assure you, it's even in the name. British Boredom Combaters. Shut up spellcheck, combaters is so a word.

Now spellcheck is red-lining "spellcheck". Oh the irony.

The Beats Review. Without the review.

GOT MA BEATS

Yep, after about 3 years of debating over it I finally cut the crap and splashed out on a pair. All goods cause Dick Smith (yes, that is the name of the biggest NZ electronics retailer, slightly depressing) had like 40% or whatever off...cheap as chips, if chips were made of gold and had Dr Dre's face stapled to each one.

I'm not a reviewing person, but I'll make an exception.

So...I bought the Beats Studio 2013 edition, red version. Listening to...uh...'Natalie' at the moment, pretty sure it's Bruno MArs. I can notice the bass but it doesn't overpower the mids and, uh, treble? Yeah it's treble I think. Bruno Mars sounds like he's having a real fuckin cry over his ex, apparently she stole all his money. Guts bro.

Anyway, the red glossy bits don't hold fingerprints too badly but are noticeable if you look for them. Apparently the black ones are like way too obvious with fingerprints. Oh shit here's Lorde. Its that one where the sound goes from side to side and really hurts your ears. OMG THAT HURTS LIKE A BITCH. FUCK YOU LORDE!!!!!AAAHH THIS IS N.O.T NATURAL HOLY SHIT that really hurt.

Anyway um the ControlTalk thing don't work with Windows 8 or my Sony phone, which is annoyign but hey I wasn't expecting it and I sure as hell ain't off to buy a $900 iPhone now. Um what else...oh yeah unboxing it is REALLY nice. Like you think that you're unwrapping something serious. It's cool. They look a bit small in real life but that's better than having way too huge headphones.

My main complaint is one nobody can really fix. The pads lock your ears in real nice and feel good for the first half hour, and then my ears start heating up like a major bitch, and I take them off for a second and they're good again. Kind of annoying.

And that's my review. Um yeah don't buy them on full price but they're certainly nice things, they look nice as well, and there's this little buzz each time you put them on if you're a mainstream prick liek me who likes the idea of having Beats headphones.

Oh for fucks sake now it's bloody MKTO. I HATE mkto. I tell you what happened to the American Dream, guys. It jumped in Al Gore's pocket and ran away when Bush was elected.

U MAD?

So yeah. Loving these bitches. I should probably do my maths homework cos we've got an assessment tomorrow. Piece of free advice; DON'T get into the academic maths course because you absolutely FIRE through it and you'll want to slit your throat sometimes. Seriously I HATE it.

Oh fuck it's ANOTHER mkto song. God only knows when the radio will stop playing you fags.

Yeah
Bye

Straight up

Why, Michael Bay, just why?

You might've guessed I just watched the Transformers 4 trailers. Guess what. Megatron's been resurrected AGAIN, the Decepticons (not very nice transformers with a habit for destroying shit for no reason) want to destroy the Earth...for approximately the 4th time now...and we're going through the cliché list of daddy's gonna die get my bf to save him, along with bigger and more ridiculously OP robots, plus the big baddy government makes their own Transformers, because hey if you can hate on the government why not?

I mean, for gods sake a 9 year old may as well have written this movie. Yeah actually...

TRANSFORMERS 4
WRITTEN BY: HONEY BOO BOO
STARRING: AMERICAN DAD, OVERPUBESCENTLY VOICED ROBOTS AND THAT HUNGER GAMES GUY
DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL PYROMANIAC BAY.

PARAMOUNT PICTURES PROUDLY PRESENTS THEIR SUBMISSION FOR THE GOLDEN RASPBERRY AWARDS.

TOTALLY NOMINATING IT.

F-16s. Just F-16s

My friends, I call on you with a cry of outrage. For I have discovered the truth of our country, of our tainted heritage adn our screwed-up air force. The Telegraph reported in 2001 that Helen Clark, Her Honourable C^^t, decided to SCRAP all 34 of our PRECIOUS FIGHTER JETS.

SKYHAWKS
STRIKEMASTERS
MUSTANGS
HARVARDS

SCRAPPED.

How dare she take it upon herself to destroy these glorious creatures of the sky. How dare she mock our country and our world in this way. How DARE she decide this without even a REFERENDUM, a PUBLIC VOTE to reveal her idiocy. She came into our world and OBLITERATED our freedom to hear screeching jet engines, to revel in our power to knock sparrows dead in our 600kph wake. To grin maniacally when a superprop roars past us at a 200 feet low pass. To....

To be AWESOME.

And this ****************** B*TCH takes this from us. Our last right to power in this country. I hereby declare on this day that simply because she did this, I shall never, EVER vote for a Labour government or leader. Unless they bring back the jets.

But I can go one worse.

I am not a National supporter. If I had my way Kim Dotcom would run the country. But Jenny Shipley, the prime minister of the previous government of National, had planned to buy new aircraft. And not just new aircraft. The ultimate standard of their time. The testament to mankind that raw power was achievable.

F-16S. F-16S. 34 OF THEM. EFF. F&#KING. SIX. TEENS.

There is a god. And there is a hell. And on the 9th of May, 2001, hell won. God had SOMETHING better to do that day then SAVE OUR SOULS FROM HELEN CLARK. Lets just see what DID happen that fateful decisive day in 2001...(googling)...okay. Some stupid sports game got out of hand and killed a few people (127 dead but who gives a shit about that when F-16S HUNG IN THE BALANCE?). George Bush appointed some numbnuts to the supreme court of America. Honestly? NOTHING HAPPENED. And yet the planes were scrapped and the F-16s were lost, a dream in the making of a pioneer without a ministership.

WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????

 

We must do something about this tragedy. Plans are in the making. JOIN THE FIGHT FOR AWESOME.

Virtual Frenchness, complaints day

Hullo

Been a while.

Forgotten how to speel hello, so that's a good start.
Forgotten how to spel sppell.

Anyway, today is Complaints Day. No its not, but it should be. Let's start with the film industry. Always a good target for complaints, the film industry.

Need for Speed. The movie. Not even kidding.
So there's been this reasonably successful game franchise, right, and it's being turned into a movie. ONly "movie" and "game" are usually the other way around. And for a good reason. It is the most stereotypical, crappy, incredibly shit movie I have ever seen. And I've only seen the trailer. Which basically consists of manly beer swigging, screwing random shit onto a car and quotes like "RACE FOR REDEMPTION" and "WE'RE GONNA NEED A FAST CAR". C'mon, even Fast and Furious TRY to escape the mould (they don't succeed, but they TRY).

Then Noah. The cinematic soon-to-be blockbuster that's appears to have absolutely NO relation to the biblical bestseller of so many thousand years ago. Seriously, even I know it was 40 days of rain and a large wooden boat. Except the trailer shows Russel Crowe building a wooden cube, way too many snakes and no cows, geysers of water, Russell Crowe stabbing a sword into the ground to create fire for no apparent reason, and to top it all off, a YOLO Emma Watson cut. Who the hell knows why.

Now to the global technological crisis. We pride our world on our smug Galaxy smartphones, letters that fly magically to the other side of the world in miliseconds (read: email), and tha ability to find anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Hold up, but we're missing 239 of these impossible-to-lose humans? After almost 100 hours or it being confirmed gone, we still can't find 300 TONNES of flying metal packed with the latest geographic technology Earth has to offer? Plus the 250-odd passengers with smartphones? Something doesn't add up.

Oh wait, we're actually facking USELESS.

And my tech concerns don't stop there. I've just joined a French videoconferencing class to learn Year 11 French, (here's a sexist joke, I'M THE ONLY GUY) because my school is too manly for proper French lessons apparently and must learn the important subject of Rugby instead. Anyway, of the past 5 conferences, I've only been in 2. 1 was a internet downage at my school's end, 1 was an internet downage at the teacher's end, and 1 the teacher had a meeting or whatever. And the last lesson involved the teacher bugging out for 10 minutes, leaving me in a room where I can see 1 person, but for whatever reason the other 7 girls in the conference could ALL see me.

Um...awkward?

Yeah. So that's complaints day. Gotta go. Too much online French homework.

How to capture a calf

Huh.

I'm back on the blog. It all seems so familiar yet so unfamiliar. So long, so stupid, so...goddamn it I don't even know what the heck I'm talking about.

Back at school, into the whole serious-exams thing, blah blah blah. Real busy, but hey, who gives.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. My nonsensical ramblings aren't exactly blog-worthy. See, over the summer, our calves escaped many times. Around 50 I imagine. And so we have to recapture and pen them again. So here are my top ten methods for capturing calves.

1. BLACK FLAG

Get a large rag and soak it. Follow the calf slowly and whenever you want to change it's direction throw the rag in the opposite direction. It will meander off the other way. I personally use a black rag.

2. HASHTAG MANIPULATION

Record a moo and set up a loud radio near the destination. Often it will attempt to find the source of the moo. Very effective if successful, however only measured at 60% success rate

3. OUTSTROP

Some calves are stroppy. (it means pissed). So you have to out-strop them sometimes. They run, you BIKE. Get a bicycle and when they run, outspeed them. Manoeuvrable motorbikes work well too. Corner and catch them.

4. PUBLIC SPEAKING

Stand in front of them and clear your throat. Loudly. Now start talking about random crap, but do it loudly and change your pitch all the time to keep attention. The second person sneaks up and attaches a holster and leash to them. Note; I found talking about environmental politics worked best.

5. REMOTE CONTROLLED CALF

One thing all animals have in common; they HATE remote controlled vehicles. Get a decent RC buggy and chase the calves to the gate. Petrol ones work best as they go fast and create a loud noise. It may be scare tactics, but it's a good last resort.

Oh and by the way, if any animals rights activist has something against me, I suggest they go shove their complaints up their proverbial.