How to capture a calf

Huh.

I'm back on the blog. It all seems so familiar yet so unfamiliar. So long, so stupid, so...goddamn it I don't even know what the heck I'm talking about.

Back at school, into the whole serious-exams thing, blah blah blah. Real busy, but hey, who gives.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. My nonsensical ramblings aren't exactly blog-worthy. See, over the summer, our calves escaped many times. Around 50 I imagine. And so we have to recapture and pen them again. So here are my top ten methods for capturing calves.

1. BLACK FLAG

Get a large rag and soak it. Follow the calf slowly and whenever you want to change it's direction throw the rag in the opposite direction. It will meander off the other way. I personally use a black rag.

2. HASHTAG MANIPULATION

Record a moo and set up a loud radio near the destination. Often it will attempt to find the source of the moo. Very effective if successful, however only measured at 60% success rate

3. OUTSTROP

Some calves are stroppy. (it means pissed). So you have to out-strop them sometimes. They run, you BIKE. Get a bicycle and when they run, outspeed them. Manoeuvrable motorbikes work well too. Corner and catch them.

4. PUBLIC SPEAKING

Stand in front of them and clear your throat. Loudly. Now start talking about random crap, but do it loudly and change your pitch all the time to keep attention. The second person sneaks up and attaches a holster and leash to them. Note; I found talking about environmental politics worked best.

5. REMOTE CONTROLLED CALF

One thing all animals have in common; they HATE remote controlled vehicles. Get a decent RC buggy and chase the calves to the gate. Petrol ones work best as they go fast and create a loud noise. It may be scare tactics, but it's a good last resort.

Oh and by the way, if any animals rights activist has something against me, I suggest they go shove their complaints up their proverbial.

2014 + I HATE Transformers

2014. Yee fecking ha. Another year of misery, depression, global warming and anothe year closer to the closure of the age of humanity.

What a happy person I am.

There is literally nothing to look forward to. Transformers 4, for example. Transformers should have been left at the first film. The second was just absolutely shit. What a load of bollocks. So because the US Government, with their entire 684 billion dollar military, don't believe that the Decepticons are a threat (bollock No1, everything's a threat in the US), one gangly, college-failing teenager who somehow got the hottest girlfriend on the face of the planet just by owning a Camaro (bollock No2, 1972 Camaros are shit), has to travel to Egypt. But of course, there's no difficulty in getting to Egypt. Why, they couldn't possibly have him go through DIFFICULTY, such as transporting a midget robot on an airline to the other side of the world. No, of course they find a Transformer in a museum and it can TELEPORT. Optimus Prime, the only other Prime, is weak as shit and can't teleport, but this old man can.

Sorry, I just HATE Transformers 2.

However, there are two things we must thank our lucky balls of fire for; in 2014, there will not be a Twilight sequel, and there will not be a Pacific Rim sequel.

The Supreme Master has blessed us with some minor degree of luck this year.

Happy New Year.

(now I'm off to throw up over that post-Christmas sentiment)

2013; ACTORS

Okay, so recently the Emmys and the MTVs and whatever have been going...We're going to compile our very own list of BEST AND WORST AND DOWNRIGHT SHITTY ACTORS 2013. (I know MTVs are music. Shut up.)

BOSS ACTORS:
1. Morgan Freeman. Nothing says Boss more than Morgan Freeman
2. Liam Nesson. I apologise, but I only got around to watching A Team yesterday. And Batman's latest trilogy. He. Is. The. Flucking. Man.
3. Samuel L Jackson. I shall refer not to Nick Fury, but to Django; "I count 6 bullets, nigger."
4. Christian Bale; Batman is awesome
5. Robert Downey Jr. Someone who plays both Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes is automatically on this list.

BEST ACTORS
1. Robert Downey Jr. Straight up.
2. Johnny Depp. Come on, don't give me that look.
3. '

Actually, screw this. I'm going to present my dream movie instead.

Cast: Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr, Morgan Freeman, Jesse Eisenberg, Liam Neeson, Mark Ruffalo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, Judi Dench, Andrew Garfield, and last but not least, Irrfan Khan (he's the good-guy Indian scientist off 2012)

Director: James Cameron, Christopher Nolan and Steven Spielberg co-directing
Producers: Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro, maybe Quentin Tarantino.
Special FX producers: Michael Bay and Ridley Scott.

Screenplay writer: Derek Landy and Anthony Horowitz, along with Christopher Nolan.

Yep

Bye

Damn Hollywood/Stupidly stupid

I swear life is turning to schmidt.

First up, Syria are being a_wipes and getting told off by The United Stated of America International Police. Guys, we know you have a trillion-dollar military, but you don't need to find excuses to sue it. You don't even NEED it.

Secondly, I just saw Star Trek, Into Darkness. IT was terrible, saved only by the superiority of Benedict Cumberbach. He. Is. The. Best. Actor. Ever (contested by only R. Downey Jr, Depp and diCaprio).

And also, just to top off a stupidly stupid few days, Katy Perry has ripped off Lorde. Lorde started the craze of all-vocals, next-to-no-actual music singing with Royals, Tennis Court and Love Club. So Katy Perry goes and throws out Roar, which is slightly heavier than Lorde but only slightly. Damn Katy, no life.

So anyway, life is rapidly sinking. And when life begins to rapidly sink, you do two things. Drown your sorrows, and make a list. Just a random list. So today, everyone, I introduce to you...

TOP STUPID STUFF

5. The 2DS. Honestly, come up with an original name, Nintendo. Thats all on this subject.

4. Miley Cyrus "twerking". Everyone knows that if you truly want to lose the Disney, star in Spring Breakers. She didn't and this is how she made up for it. Although I wouldn't mind being Robin Thicke right now...

3. Tony Abbot's election campaign. He literally said" Vote for me, my daughters are hot." I thought that Julia Gillard was bad, but this is a whole new level of campaigning.

2. The Americas Cup. This is the luxury of ridiculously rich people spending enough money on a stupid sport to rebuild Christchurch, or send me to Mars. Also, there are now only two competitors. New Zealand (more ingenuity than money because NZ is poor as shit) and America. PS America's losing. And will lose.

1. But number one, as of today, must go to...Reality TV
I was going to put cooking shows, then Dream home shows. But they're all stupid. MasterChef is stupid because it's COOKING. Remember, when you're making spag bol it's NOT THAT EXCITING. And building a house just should NOT be worthy of a television program. I mean, all it does is say I AM BETTER THAN YOU AT LIFE. Also, Also, X Factor doesn't produce good singers. The only good reality show is Wipeout, because it's Wipeout.

Done for now. Bye.

Yay. Just got the new Skulduggery Pleasant book. Do tell me I read too much, because I do. Do tell me I watch too much Geordie Shore and Big Bang Theory, because I do. Don't tell me to be ashamed of it.

BECAUSE I NEVER WILL BE.

(because Geordie Shore is just too hilariously idiotic to ignore)

PS the book is really long.

Tech Shit

Hello, Minions.

It's getting lonely here. So I have taken it upon myself to do something. And that something is...

MOST STUPID TECH SHIT 2012-2013

Lets go.

1. Blackberry Z10. Nobody wanted a touchscreen from Blackberry, as it would be crap. So they did it anyway. And hola, it was shit. No Android, a bulky, horrid handset, sitting beside the iPhone in Worst Operating Systems Ever.

2. iPad Mini. This was the most pathetic game of catch-up ever. Apple knew they had to do it, and yet they failed. No Retina display (obviously so they could add it next year and call it revolutionary), a 5mp camera begging to be upgraded to 8mp in 2013, and most of all, it was only ten bucks more expensive than the cheapest iPod Touch. So...either Apple are making a huge loss on the Mini, or (more likely) massively overpricing the iPod.

3. This wasn't actually a 2012-2013 device, but it was so ridiculous it deserves mocking. Zune. Microsoft Zune. A rival to iPod, it flopped. Nobody wanted it, as Apple had well and truly taken the non-cellular entertainment device market to a 100% share. Microsoft, stick to Windows. You do most things better than Apple, but don't combat iPod. iPod is, and for the foreseeable future will be, king. And queen, for you stupid feminist people that insist I should stay home and cook and clean while women change tyres and drink beer.

4. Mozilla Firefox phone. Thats right. An OS based on Firefox. Lets not even get started.

5. And...yes, I will do it. iPhone 5. The iPhone needed a major reboot, and thats not what happened. What happened was a ridiculously lengthened screen, with no other upgrade AT ALL. Come on. I hate Apple, but surely they won't stop THERE. I expected a 13-15mp camera. A flash new set of shit to play with. Something else. Heres the difference between Apple and Samsung. Apple work something amazing out and say "We'll drag it out. What if we run out of new ideas, what will we do then?" Samsung go "Heres a genius new idea, create an entirely new phone around it and also include it in the Galaxy S4/S5/S6 whatever.

Yarp

Jono & Ben

Uh, hi.

I really have no idea why I thought about this crap. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that it popped up while I was in a social studies reliever class, where we did absolutely nothing for 50 minutes straight. I'd like to know why learning about Jews emigrating to Palestine is any use to anybody going through the NZ education system, by the way.

Anyway, that not the point. My first whinge (spellcheck thinks whinge isnt a word. It IS.), is that of sandflies and God. And death. They are related through the prospect that all things go to heaven. Rabbits, humans, whatever. Anyway, if we kill a sand-fly, it's going to be waiting for us in heaven or hell or whatever. So I have just realised that slapping a sand-fly against a car window not only will condemn me for killing an animal, it also condemns me to eternity with that damn sand-fly, where it cannot be killed. Stupid religion. NOBODY LIKED YOU ANYWAY, GOD.

Oh and by the way, for all you who buy free-range eggs, think about what you're really supporting. You're supporting animal equality. You want chickens to have a good life.

So if you must have animal equality, stop now and never, ever stand on a spider again. Or slap a sandfly. OR whatever. You want animal equality. You can bloody have it. All being equal is communism, and everyone knows communism is impossible. Im. Po. Ssi. Ble. So go on, animal communists. Be like that. Because vegetarianism isn't showing a greater-good heroism for animals, it's showing your lack of intelligence to see that communism never has, and never will work. It's basically walking around with a gigantic hat saying HERES AN IDIOT, BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HIM!!!!!

I'm done for the moment, except for my latest YouTube thing. Jono and Ben. They're Kiwis, so the stuff they do is local, and hilarious. I'll post one of my personal favourites below, and another with my next post.

WATCH IT. Its awesomeness.