Straight up

Why, Michael Bay, just why?

You might've guessed I just watched the Transformers 4 trailers. Guess what. Megatron's been resurrected AGAIN, the Decepticons (not very nice transformers with a habit for destroying shit for no reason) want to destroy the Earth...for approximately the 4th time now...and we're going through the cliché list of daddy's gonna die get my bf to save him, along with bigger and more ridiculously OP robots, plus the big baddy government makes their own Transformers, because hey if you can hate on the government why not?

I mean, for gods sake a 9 year old may as well have written this movie. Yeah actually...

TRANSFORMERS 4
WRITTEN BY: HONEY BOO BOO
STARRING: AMERICAN DAD, OVERPUBESCENTLY VOICED ROBOTS AND THAT HUNGER GAMES GUY
DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL PYROMANIAC BAY.

PARAMOUNT PICTURES PROUDLY PRESENTS THEIR SUBMISSION FOR THE GOLDEN RASPBERRY AWARDS.

TOTALLY NOMINATING IT.

F-16s. Just F-16s

My friends, I call on you with a cry of outrage. For I have discovered the truth of our country, of our tainted heritage adn our screwed-up air force. The Telegraph reported in 2001 that Helen Clark, Her Honourable C^^t, decided to SCRAP all 34 of our PRECIOUS FIGHTER JETS.

SKYHAWKS
STRIKEMASTERS
MUSTANGS
HARVARDS

SCRAPPED.

How dare she take it upon herself to destroy these glorious creatures of the sky. How dare she mock our country and our world in this way. How DARE she decide this without even a REFERENDUM, a PUBLIC VOTE to reveal her idiocy. She came into our world and OBLITERATED our freedom to hear screeching jet engines, to revel in our power to knock sparrows dead in our 600kph wake. To grin maniacally when a superprop roars past us at a 200 feet low pass. To....

To be AWESOME.

And this ****************** B*TCH takes this from us. Our last right to power in this country. I hereby declare on this day that simply because she did this, I shall never, EVER vote for a Labour government or leader. Unless they bring back the jets.

But I can go one worse.

I am not a National supporter. If I had my way Kim Dotcom would run the country. But Jenny Shipley, the prime minister of the previous government of National, had planned to buy new aircraft. And not just new aircraft. The ultimate standard of their time. The testament to mankind that raw power was achievable.

F-16S. F-16S. 34 OF THEM. EFF. F&#KING. SIX. TEENS.

There is a god. And there is a hell. And on the 9th of May, 2001, hell won. God had SOMETHING better to do that day then SAVE OUR SOULS FROM HELEN CLARK. Lets just see what DID happen that fateful decisive day in 2001...(googling)...okay. Some stupid sports game got out of hand and killed a few people (127 dead but who gives a shit about that when F-16S HUNG IN THE BALANCE?). George Bush appointed some numbnuts to the supreme court of America. Honestly? NOTHING HAPPENED. And yet the planes were scrapped and the F-16s were lost, a dream in the making of a pioneer without a ministership.

WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????

 

We must do something about this tragedy. Plans are in the making. JOIN THE FIGHT FOR AWESOME.

Virtual Frenchness, complaints day

Hullo

Been a while.

Forgotten how to speel hello, so that's a good start.
Forgotten how to spel sppell.

Anyway, today is Complaints Day. No its not, but it should be. Let's start with the film industry. Always a good target for complaints, the film industry.

Need for Speed. The movie. Not even kidding.
So there's been this reasonably successful game franchise, right, and it's being turned into a movie. ONly "movie" and "game" are usually the other way around. And for a good reason. It is the most stereotypical, crappy, incredibly shit movie I have ever seen. And I've only seen the trailer. Which basically consists of manly beer swigging, screwing random shit onto a car and quotes like "RACE FOR REDEMPTION" and "WE'RE GONNA NEED A FAST CAR". C'mon, even Fast and Furious TRY to escape the mould (they don't succeed, but they TRY).

Then Noah. The cinematic soon-to-be blockbuster that's appears to have absolutely NO relation to the biblical bestseller of so many thousand years ago. Seriously, even I know it was 40 days of rain and a large wooden boat. Except the trailer shows Russel Crowe building a wooden cube, way too many snakes and no cows, geysers of water, Russell Crowe stabbing a sword into the ground to create fire for no apparent reason, and to top it all off, a YOLO Emma Watson cut. Who the hell knows why.

Now to the global technological crisis. We pride our world on our smug Galaxy smartphones, letters that fly magically to the other side of the world in miliseconds (read: email), and tha ability to find anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Hold up, but we're missing 239 of these impossible-to-lose humans? After almost 100 hours or it being confirmed gone, we still can't find 300 TONNES of flying metal packed with the latest geographic technology Earth has to offer? Plus the 250-odd passengers with smartphones? Something doesn't add up.

Oh wait, we're actually facking USELESS.

And my tech concerns don't stop there. I've just joined a French videoconferencing class to learn Year 11 French, (here's a sexist joke, I'M THE ONLY GUY) because my school is too manly for proper French lessons apparently and must learn the important subject of Rugby instead. Anyway, of the past 5 conferences, I've only been in 2. 1 was a internet downage at my school's end, 1 was an internet downage at the teacher's end, and 1 the teacher had a meeting or whatever. And the last lesson involved the teacher bugging out for 10 minutes, leaving me in a room where I can see 1 person, but for whatever reason the other 7 girls in the conference could ALL see me.

Um...awkward?

Yeah. So that's complaints day. Gotta go. Too much online French homework.

How to capture a calf

Huh.

I'm back on the blog. It all seems so familiar yet so unfamiliar. So long, so stupid, so...goddamn it I don't even know what the heck I'm talking about.

Back at school, into the whole serious-exams thing, blah blah blah. Real busy, but hey, who gives.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. My nonsensical ramblings aren't exactly blog-worthy. See, over the summer, our calves escaped many times. Around 50 I imagine. And so we have to recapture and pen them again. So here are my top ten methods for capturing calves.

1. BLACK FLAG

Get a large rag and soak it. Follow the calf slowly and whenever you want to change it's direction throw the rag in the opposite direction. It will meander off the other way. I personally use a black rag.

2. HASHTAG MANIPULATION

Record a moo and set up a loud radio near the destination. Often it will attempt to find the source of the moo. Very effective if successful, however only measured at 60% success rate

3. OUTSTROP

Some calves are stroppy. (it means pissed). So you have to out-strop them sometimes. They run, you BIKE. Get a bicycle and when they run, outspeed them. Manoeuvrable motorbikes work well too. Corner and catch them.

4. PUBLIC SPEAKING

Stand in front of them and clear your throat. Loudly. Now start talking about random crap, but do it loudly and change your pitch all the time to keep attention. The second person sneaks up and attaches a holster and leash to them. Note; I found talking about environmental politics worked best.

5. REMOTE CONTROLLED CALF

One thing all animals have in common; they HATE remote controlled vehicles. Get a decent RC buggy and chase the calves to the gate. Petrol ones work best as they go fast and create a loud noise. It may be scare tactics, but it's a good last resort.

Oh and by the way, if any animals rights activist has something against me, I suggest they go shove their complaints up their proverbial.

2014 + I HATE Transformers

2014. Yee fecking ha. Another year of misery, depression, global warming and anothe year closer to the closure of the age of humanity.

What a happy person I am.

There is literally nothing to look forward to. Transformers 4, for example. Transformers should have been left at the first film. The second was just absolutely shit. What a load of bollocks. So because the US Government, with their entire 684 billion dollar military, don't believe that the Decepticons are a threat (bollock No1, everything's a threat in the US), one gangly, college-failing teenager who somehow got the hottest girlfriend on the face of the planet just by owning a Camaro (bollock No2, 1972 Camaros are shit), has to travel to Egypt. But of course, there's no difficulty in getting to Egypt. Why, they couldn't possibly have him go through DIFFICULTY, such as transporting a midget robot on an airline to the other side of the world. No, of course they find a Transformer in a museum and it can TELEPORT. Optimus Prime, the only other Prime, is weak as shit and can't teleport, but this old man can.

Sorry, I just HATE Transformers 2.

However, there are two things we must thank our lucky balls of fire for; in 2014, there will not be a Twilight sequel, and there will not be a Pacific Rim sequel.

The Supreme Master has blessed us with some minor degree of luck this year.

Happy New Year.

(now I'm off to throw up over that post-Christmas sentiment)

2013; ACTORS

Okay, so recently the Emmys and the MTVs and whatever have been going...We're going to compile our very own list of BEST AND WORST AND DOWNRIGHT SHITTY ACTORS 2013. (I know MTVs are music. Shut up.)

BOSS ACTORS:
1. Morgan Freeman. Nothing says Boss more than Morgan Freeman
2. Liam Nesson. I apologise, but I only got around to watching A Team yesterday. And Batman's latest trilogy. He. Is. The. Flucking. Man.
3. Samuel L Jackson. I shall refer not to Nick Fury, but to Django; "I count 6 bullets, nigger."
4. Christian Bale; Batman is awesome
5. Robert Downey Jr. Someone who plays both Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes is automatically on this list.

BEST ACTORS
1. Robert Downey Jr. Straight up.
2. Johnny Depp. Come on, don't give me that look.
3. '

Actually, screw this. I'm going to present my dream movie instead.

Cast: Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr, Morgan Freeman, Jesse Eisenberg, Liam Neeson, Mark Ruffalo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, Judi Dench, Andrew Garfield, and last but not least, Irrfan Khan (he's the good-guy Indian scientist off 2012)

Director: James Cameron, Christopher Nolan and Steven Spielberg co-directing
Producers: Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro, maybe Quentin Tarantino.
Special FX producers: Michael Bay and Ridley Scott.

Screenplay writer: Derek Landy and Anthony Horowitz, along with Christopher Nolan.

Yep

Bye

Damn Hollywood/Stupidly stupid

I swear life is turning to schmidt.

First up, Syria are being a_wipes and getting told off by The United Stated of America International Police. Guys, we know you have a trillion-dollar military, but you don't need to find excuses to sue it. You don't even NEED it.

Secondly, I just saw Star Trek, Into Darkness. IT was terrible, saved only by the superiority of Benedict Cumberbach. He. Is. The. Best. Actor. Ever (contested by only R. Downey Jr, Depp and diCaprio).

And also, just to top off a stupidly stupid few days, Katy Perry has ripped off Lorde. Lorde started the craze of all-vocals, next-to-no-actual music singing with Royals, Tennis Court and Love Club. So Katy Perry goes and throws out Roar, which is slightly heavier than Lorde but only slightly. Damn Katy, no life.

So anyway, life is rapidly sinking. And when life begins to rapidly sink, you do two things. Drown your sorrows, and make a list. Just a random list. So today, everyone, I introduce to you...

TOP STUPID STUFF

5. The 2DS. Honestly, come up with an original name, Nintendo. Thats all on this subject.

4. Miley Cyrus "twerking". Everyone knows that if you truly want to lose the Disney, star in Spring Breakers. She didn't and this is how she made up for it. Although I wouldn't mind being Robin Thicke right now...

3. Tony Abbot's election campaign. He literally said" Vote for me, my daughters are hot." I thought that Julia Gillard was bad, but this is a whole new level of campaigning.

2. The Americas Cup. This is the luxury of ridiculously rich people spending enough money on a stupid sport to rebuild Christchurch, or send me to Mars. Also, there are now only two competitors. New Zealand (more ingenuity than money because NZ is poor as shit) and America. PS America's losing. And will lose.

1. But number one, as of today, must go to...Reality TV
I was going to put cooking shows, then Dream home shows. But they're all stupid. MasterChef is stupid because it's COOKING. Remember, when you're making spag bol it's NOT THAT EXCITING. And building a house just should NOT be worthy of a television program. I mean, all it does is say I AM BETTER THAN YOU AT LIFE. Also, Also, X Factor doesn't produce good singers. The only good reality show is Wipeout, because it's Wipeout.

Done for now. Bye.