Stupid proverbs

This post is about why proverbs are stupid. Dad always passed stuff down from gran, and repeated it forever until it was drilled into my head. So ANNOYING. Today is INTERNATIONAL CORRECTION DAY. THE DAY WE SET THINGS RIGHT FOR ALL HUMANITY!!!!

1. "Don't count your chickens before they've hatched". No, genius, you count the EGGS that CONTAIN the fecking chickens.

2. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Yes, you can. Feeding tube down the throat with an anti-regurgitation valve. It might kill him, but at least he drank the water.

3. "Two heads are better than one". No they're not. More weight on your neck, impossible to play football, and extra-large pillow, as well as the requirement for huge-necked t-shirts.

4. "Good things come to those who wait". What about a lolly scramble?

5. "What goes up must come down". What if you take a coffin UP a hill, and bury it up there? Or go to space and live there forever? Or move to Mars?

6. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Wha if I'm competing with an American guy for most sales, and want to join his company instead? Oh wait, I don't have a green card!

7. "Practice makes perfect". What happened to "Nobody's Perfect"?

8. "Cleanliness is godliness". My grandmother is not a fecking god.

9. "God helps those who help themselves". Doesn't that defeat the purpose of God's help?

10. "The early bird catches the bird". What if the worm's a late starter as well?

11. "There's no such thing as a free lunch". Yes, there is. I've eaten from 8 free 'sausage sizzles' (as they call them) since July last year, and not one promoted anything except the food.

12. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Actually, if I take a picture on my camera, it's roughly 5 megabytes. 5 megabytes is 41 billion, 94 million, three thousand and forty bits. Each bit is either a "one" or a "zero". So a picture is actually worth over 40 billion words.

13. "Better late than never". What if it's an adrenaline injection that is needed urgently else the patient will die, and it arrives an hour late? The patient dies, NOT better late than never.

14. "Two wrongs don't make a right". Then how come two mathematical negatives equal one mathematical positive?

15. "The pen is mightier than the sword". Okay. You're in a Roman gladiator arena back when they did that crazy shit. The other guy holds a huge whopping 1.2 metre blade sharper than Einstein's mind, and the on-hand slave's offering you a pen with paper, or a equally intimidating 1.3 metre steel sword, double-edged. Are you seriously going to take the pen and write a letter of peace to this medieval Arnold Schwarznegger while he hurtles towards you with his death saber?

Yep. These prove that proverbs are NO LONGER VIABLE IN THE 21ST CENTURY, OR IN FACT EVEN 2000 YEARS AGO ACCORDING TO NUMBER 15. THAT'S RIGHT. STOP QUOTING ALL THIS TOTAL CRAP. JOIN THE PROTEST AT http://www.pizzahut.com/ !!!!