ITS SO HOT

Its SOOOOOO HOT.

Like,  flew in from Auckland on a cheap seat (wedged between two morbidly obese woman, god feck it), at twenty to twelve two days ago, and it wasn't too bad. Auckland wasn't too hot.

Now its 33 DEGREES. Thats WWAAAAAAYYY too hot. I'm standing beside the freezer and still sweating. I wish Christchurch would stop cooking. I much prefer cold days.

Anyway, this post isn't about the horrid heat (althought it should be). Today's post is something different.

THIS.

Yep. Maccas at Auckland Airport were selling Frozen Coke for MONOPOLY MONEY. Okay. Its cool. But...

1. Average traveller; does not carry FECKING MONOPOLY MONEY.

2. Say the average traveller WAS, he now has to rummage through his bag, pull the board game out, open it up, remove components to access money, close it all up, and buy the Coke. At least, imagine how STUPID he'd look. Also, he is now short of Monopoly bills, so the game (which he paid upwards of $30 for) is now worthless.

3. Frozen coke costs money to make. Monopoly money is not a valid currency in the financial market, and therefore McDonalds are losing big money if, say , 500 of the thousands of travellers buy it.

4. This is just fecking pointless.

5. I bought one.

I hate weather

Right. So at like 6am (way too fecking early) two days ago, I DRAGGED myself out of bed. Endured a HALF HOUR car drive with the folks to the airport, waited AN HOUR AND A FECKING HALF for someone to work out how to operate the Jetstar computer (even though its technically all they do), and then got on the plane, a cramp-seat horror ride A320, seated tightly between my annoying brother and a complete stranger Asian who smelled of two minute noodles. And I HATE two minute noodles. Follow that up with the fact that it was still about 35 degrees, and the really irritating Aussie voice on the safety briefing, and you have total travel hell.

And then we landed in Auckland,

It was RAINING.

So we'd gone up north to escape the serious heat, and gotten friggin RAIN. We drove to Tauranga, and it was STILL raining. And then I had to fix grandad's internet to access the Web, becasue A: Telecom are useless, and B: Grandad needed a dictionary to spell "internet". So after telling Telecom that grandad would switch to Vodafone unless they gave him a new modem, hey, a new modems in the post!

And today it's humid. Really, really humid. It's not quite 35 degrees (29), but its just so MUGGY. Couldn't the world just have one, unchanging weather? Sunny with a chance of meatballs, perhaps?

So the internets going, the beach is looking really good, and my brothers are fighting over pool cues. I'd never be so immature. I'd just take all the balls away and ransom them for a cue.

Time to go. Apparently I need to go "explore the great outdoors", and "get some vitamin D".

Feckin shite.

What's my title again?

Yeah....I've gone to the "Create Post" thingy...now what? I've got nothing to talk about!

Wait...

Maybe...

Nope, its gone. Oh, wait, yeah. I WISH IT WOULD RAIN. I'ts been insanely hot here, like, yesterday was 35 degrees (Celsius, for you Yanks). I opened my window when I hit the sack last night, to let some cool air in, and all I got was this blast of air like a heater on full burst. The southerly clouds are hanging back tantalizingly, but the warm air is still blowing north west from Australia. So with all their damn bushfires and 40+ temperatures, we're getting the leftovers, and all their smoke blows TWO THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE KILOMETERS ACROSS THE TASMAN. Its just INSANE. To quote Marc Anthony "My body don't lie, let it rain over me." Although perhaps he had in a slightly different context. Who cares.

Either way, apparently global warming is still a hoax. Ma friend tells me that up in Tauranga they had way hotter summers when they were kids (like, twenty years ago.)

But hey, he lives in Tauranga. Of course its friggin hotter there.

Going there tomorrow anyway. Sweet as. Chillax at the beach...at least when its hot just jump in the water. Apparently there was a shark sighting there a few months back so hey, I'm going looking. Shark swimming's been on my bucket list since ages ago, so for free...yeah.

And now here's what happens when you take meth with your dog.

Annoying spoon

Hello. The wind is blowing like nothing earthly outside, so I've retreated to the laptop again...

Some of you may have heard about the new HAPIspoon. In fact, there's a HAPIspoon, HAPIfork, and a HAPIknife too. What do they do, you may wonder? Well, the handles are slightly thicker in order for them to accommodate various electronics that monitor your eating rate. If you're eating too fast, it buzzes and flashes a light, in order to slow your food consumption rate, and hopefully lose weight.

Now here's something it can't do. You can't speak to it, in order for it to comprehend "I NEED TO PICK UP MY DYING MOTHER FROM HOSPITAL YOU MORON, STOP BUZZING!!!!". It can't do that. It also can't tell the weight of your spoonfuls, so if you eat one pea per mouthful, this will really get on your nerves. Neither can it tell what food you are eating. Imagine using one of these at a spaghetti eating contest!

But if the whole buzzing and light flashing thing can't stop you devouring your amazing, incredible-tasting Pams Instant Chocolate Pudding, then here are some ideas for future inventors...

1. The UNHAPIspoon. If you eat too fast, it uses it's built-in speaker to playback every Hitler-screaming-his-ass-off moment from Downfall. This one will probably make you tear back to Walmart for a refund.

2. The OWMYHANDspoon. If you eat too fast, poison-tipped spikes will shoot out of the spoon and stab you in the hand. Following this is an extremely painful death. OWMYHANDspoon.inc takes no responsibility for anything. WARNING; this is a one-use product only.

3. The GORDONRAMSAYspoon. If you eat too fast, the spoon-head flies off the handle.

4. The SURPRISEspoon. Eating too fast, too slow, or anything out of the range of 1 spoonful per eight seconds (zero margin), will result in a 50000 volt electrical shock.

5. The iSpoon. This spoon is very similar to the HAPIspoon original, but includes a small touchscreen on the handle, that shows a sad face if you are eating too fast, and a happy face if you eat at the correct speed. However, the warranty is only 30 days and to repair it, you need a special set of iSpoon tools, and as soon as you open it up, Apple will deny they ever created the spoon.

That's all for today. I'll just post a picture of the original HAPIspoon. Looks weird, but whatever.

Also, who would buy different coloured ones?

Biggest Ever Concerned Sibling Fail

I hate to use this STUPID, RIDICULOUS, NONSENSICAL slogan slash acronym, but OMG. This is something I call the...

Biggest Ever Concerned Sibling Fail.

So...this 12 year old girl (wish she was 13) in Waikato, New Zealand, decided to take a V8 Ford Falcon for a spin. Y'know, just to see the sights. Just the casual. Anyway, her concerned older sister (14), took off after her in a Nissan sportcar. Very sensible girl. I mean, to counteract having one crazy underage girl on the road, why don't we put another on? Brilliant!

And then she crashed into her sister.

At their own fecking driveway.

W.T.F.

Neither was killed, but...just wow. It takes real driving skill to decide a red light is a "go" signal, but even more to crash into your own sister. This girl is amazing. Well done.

In other news, Anybody who is complaining about the cold in America, England, etc, can move to Australia or NZ. ITS BOILING. 32 degrees celsius in NZ, over 50 in Australia.

Who'd live in Australia anyway? We kiwis have a slogan.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year. Like, 6 days late.

Thats all this post is about. Out of one-liners and can't be stuffed to post any more. Also just realised my last post was title-less (facepalm).